when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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