So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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