Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
