This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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