You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My dick has a subreddit
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
