mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
