Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Can you bring me the toilet please
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
