There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
