I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
