I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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