you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
