We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
