The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
