I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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