I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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