if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
