I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
