I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
