I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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