Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
