She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
