I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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