So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
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Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
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Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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