my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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