I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
