I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
