Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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