So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Randomize
