Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
