The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
