I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
