her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
