I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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