What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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