some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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