This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
