you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
