found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
