2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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