How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
