Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
