omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
