GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
