I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
