i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
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I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
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We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.