my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
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She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
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Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face