I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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