So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
