just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
