hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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