my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
