Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Randomize
