; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize