Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
