i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
