hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
