When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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