Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
