For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
